A quick trip to The Closet

CAUTION: THIS POST WILL PROBABLY BE LONG WITH LOTS OF RAMBLING; I TEND TO RAMBLE WHEN DISCUSSING MY EMOTIONS AND SUCH. IF LONG BOUTS OF RAMBLING ANNOY YOU, PLEASE SKIP THIS POST!

It’s been awhile…of this, I am aware. In fact, I started a nice little post to publish about music (one of my five loves), and I was about to finish it for y’all when I decided to check out what’s new on all the other blogs I read. One of my favorite blogs is An Aquarius.Soul; I like how she writes and how honest she is about herself. Her lastest posts, the “Journey to Me” series, have been leading up the death of her mother when she was younger. Today’s post was about her actual death and funeral. I comment and leave.

Next stop is A Brown Girl Gone Gay; guess what today’s post is about? The impending death of her mother. I really wanna comment here and say something to comfort her. After all, this blog (and the author, by association) is the inspiration for MY blog, and ABG is like my….virtual mentor, though she probably doesn’t know it. But I don’t wanna sound contrite and cliché, so I just leave. I get to thinking about work after that, and how one of the customers was telling me about her not being ready for the holidays because it will be her first Christmas without her mother. I feel overwhelmed.

I go to the locked closet at the very edge of my subconscious, my “bad” place; it’s bulging at the hinges. Might as well be the one to open it before it opens on its own, right? I unlock it, and all of those emotions and thoughts and memories I stuffed in there spill out, engulfing me. Ugh, I hate feeling like this, but I’d rather know it’s coming than to be caught unaware.

2003 was one of the best/worst years of my life. The first half was beautiful; the other half, not so much. I was 10 and thought life couldn’t get any better. I’d passed 4th grade. My aunt’s newborn was all mine to spoil (He’s still completely spoiled by me). I finally had my first “boyfriend”. And to top it all off, I got to spend my entire summer with my family in Louisiana, and I didn’t have to go to Arkansas with my Dad at all. It was truly a picture of perfection to my 10-year old self. The highlight, though, was our planned trip to DisneyLand in August, right before school started.

I was so excited for that damn trip! The two weeks before were pure agony to me; I didn’t wanna wait any longer! Five days before our trip, I’m practically pulling at my roots. It was literally all I could think about. Then, all of a sudden, we’re riding home from Wal-Mart, and Mama notices a knot on the back of her neck and tells my aunt. They kinda dismiss it. My mind automatically says “Cancer,” and I get hella nervous. All I think is, Oh God! If she gets cancer, we definitely can’t go to DisneyLand!!! Some time passes, and it’s not mentioned anymore, so I stop worrying.

Skip ahead to that night, and I’m in the bed with Mama sleeping. I was such a baby; I swear I slept with my mama even at 10 years old! Hated to sleep in my own bed because my bed represented loneliness and uncertainty. For some reason, I had a fear that I would sleep in my room at night and wake up to find my mother nowhere in sight. Sleeping with her was my guarentee that she was still there. I remember this specific night like it just happened a second ago. It must’ve been about 2 in the morning when Mama woke me up. She asked me to hold her because she was cold. I wrapped my arms around her for like 5 seconds and rolled back over even though she was still shivering. I didn’t care that she was cold; I only wanted to sleep….I wish I would’ve not been selfish and just held her until she fell back asleep.

Four days left. She woke up early that morning and went to hospital for a quick checkup; she was feeling kinda bad. I remember asking her would she feel good enough for us to go to DisneyLand later that week. She said yes.

I’m sorry…..I don’t feel like writing anymore.

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4 Comments to “A quick trip to The Closet”

  1. Hi KayBee. Thanks so much for the blog love. I appreciate you stopping by and commenting. People who have lost parents share something that only those who have experienced the same can relate to. Life gets better with each passing day.

    • Thanks for commenting also! As for the blog love, no problem; y’all help put things in perspective for me and give great advice that l can’t get from someone else who doesn’t share the commonality that we do, so thank you!

  2. If I didn’t know before, I know now.

    I’m so sorry that my posts brought you back to such a rough time in your life… I will say that now, you are my inspiration because you made it through. I wanna be just like you when I grow up…

    • Aw, thanks; that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, lol! But please don’t apologize and feel bad. Sometimes, it’s necessary (for me, anyway) to open that door and kinda “relive” that pain and hurt because it helps the whole “grieving” process. It’s way worse to keep it bottled up.

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