Happy Birthday, Mama

Today’s my mother’s birthday; she would’ve been 43….every year around this time, my mood changes. It’s really funny because most of the time I don’t remember that her birthday’s coming up until the day before (which is, ironically, the birthday of my 6-year old niece that’s named after her), but it’s like the subconscious part of my mind starts preparing me to grieve. I get grumpy for no reason, just wanna be left alone all the time, and have mood swings like I’m PMS-ing. And on January 26th, it all just floods out, leaving me feeling strangely rejuvenated. This year is different, though. I’m about to turn 18 and graduate; she’s supposed to be sitting beside me while I fill out college applications to make sure I got everything correct. She’s supposed to be giving advice on life and love after my first heartbreak and slapping the hell outta me when I get to feeling too grown and overstep my boundaries. She’s supposed to be here to see the culmination of that little being she birthed in ’93.

I’ve been thinking about the after-life a lot lately; for a Non-Christian, borderline-Atheist like myself, that concept really doesn’t mean much to me. Sometimes, though, I hope that God DOES exist, along with Heaven and Jesus and Satan and angels and everything described in the Bible because I want the foundation of my mother’s life and death to be a solid structure. I want everything that she believed in to be true, even if it means that I’ll burn in Hell, so that she can be with in celestial bliss with her God, and not just in the fourth plot at Lincoln Memorial. I want her spirit and her soul to be happy. Sounds crazy, right? Yeah, I know, but I’d just like to know that after the life she lived on Earth, she finally found the personal satisfaction that she deserved on a higher plane…


One Comment to “Happy Birthday, Mama”

  1. Having lost my mother as well, I can relate to everything you’re saying. Losing her at 25 was hard as heck, so I cannot not even imagine what it’s like to lose your mom before your 18th birthday.

    I can so feel you on wanting your moms to find peace in the next life. As hard as it somedays wanting her with me, I accepted her as free. I pray that she has all the peace and happiness that she never got here. I pray that one of these days, I’ll see her again and it’ll be like we were never apart.

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